Alive 

  
Today I’m writing simply to spread a message. Whether I am successful in getting people to share these words or not, it could change someone’s day or maybe even someone’s life. 

I’m a Christian. I haven’t always been one. I was about 17 years old (close to 5 years ago) when I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. What that means for me is that I’m never alone. That I basically have an Almighty Supervisor constantly working and guiding me down the right path. I don’t always make the right decisions, and sometimes I purposely neglect the Word of God because I like my way better. However, when I was saved I was given what feels like a brand new heart. I see life differently because now I know who gave life to me. I know what love means, and what love is supposed to feel like. I know that where I am is exactly where I am supposed to be. When I see good things happen I know that God is present. It’s not some feeling that I’ve made up in my head, it’s not just something to cling to when things go bad, it’s not just a religion. Hell, I’m not even “religious.” I don’t go to church, or worship, and it’s rare that I even read The Holy Bible. I know that God is real because I feel him every single day of my life. When that homeless man is given a pair of new shoes, when that hungry child is fed, when a deaf person hears for the first time, when people go out of their way to pay it forward, when there is the smallest amount of good in a terrible situation, I know that My God is alive.  

 

Dear Husband,

It feels like each day we get closer, our minds are binding, syncing over. You read me like a hardback book, turn the page and take a look. Our life is making so much sense, a dream house with a picket fence. My heart could not be more content, it’s clear to me you’re heaven sent. You’ve repaired a broken soul, for that I’ll love you till we’re old. The greatest blessing I’ve ever known, is just how deeply our love has grown. 

The Beginning

It’s taken me some time to finally write this. I admit I thought about just deleting my blog completely. However, in order for me to ever have the sanity that I so crave, I must share my story.

It began when I was very young, possibly when I was in my mothers womb but who could know for sure. She says that she was so stressed out because of my dad when she was pregnant with me and that might be why I’m so “damn crazy.” I suppose that could be true but we’ll start from where I can actually remember…

I was curled up sitting on my 3rd grade teacher’s lap with my head buried in her chest. She held me and patted my back as I sobbed into her t-shirt.

“Miss Callie, my love, can we talk about it?” She asked me.

“Daddy beat up Mommy again last night.” I answered in a quiet voice. “He was drinking a lot and he said that mommy took too long at the grocery store and they started fighting. He hit her all over and pulled her through the house by her hair.”

“Oh my word, baby, I’m so sorry. You didn’t get hurt did you?” She asked.

“No, I didn’t.” I replied.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I did get hurt. For some reason Dad never once got angry and hit me. It was always Mom or my older sister, Crystal. He never laid a hand on me, but he did hurt me. It was painful to see my mother so depressed, so mentally worn out from the constant abuse. It was hard to watch her struggle to make ends meet while dad laid on the couch in a drunken stupor and to hear him bash her and call her every name in the book. I was so young but I wasn’t so naïve to not know that dad didn’t go out of town for work, but that he was with another woman in a different state that he met online. All the while my mother was holding down a decent job as an activities director in a shithole of a nursing home, coming home, cleaning and cooking for her girls. I don’t know how she managed but she did, and I know that she did it for Crystal and me.

Crystal on the other hand had it just as rough. She was seven years older than me and I looked up to her more than anyone in my entire adolescent life. Crystal wasn’t as much subjected to the physical abuse as she was the mental and emotional abuse. I can’t even count the number of times I heard dad call her stupid or fat or tell her she looked slutty. She was constantly grounded to her room for something. When I say she was grounded to her room I mean she couldn’t even come out for dinner, mom had to bring her food to her room. Usually it was for getting bad grades in school but who could focus at school when living in that miserable house. One time he told Crystal that she wasn’t allowed to see me or speak to me anymore. In the middle of the night that night I heard a sawing noise and sure enough Crystal had cut a small hole in the wall behind my dresser so that we could talk to each other. I pushed my dresser out of the way and there we sat crying. Crystal always found a way out, she was so strong. She always rebelled. She never let her fear of him keep her inside. She was too brave to be a prisoner. She was (and still is) my hero.

Above all of the abuse that my dad brought into our lives, he also brought us joy. He had his good days where we could play board games, or throw softball in the yard. Sometimes we took vacations for Crystal’s softball tournaments. We would go to the beach or to Six Flags over Georgia. There was a time when dad held down a really good job and was actually a bread winner. He always wanted to teach me things; new games, new words, new places. He wasn’t a monster until the liquor got involved. He reached a point where he was drinking a gallon of straight Aristocrat Vodka in 2 days. That much alcohol in the bloodstream of a 6’3″, 250 lb, former Army Green Beret was a lethal combination. I watched him throw up into a bucket beside the couch, reach for that wretched bottle to rinse his mouth out, and then continue to poison himself. When he was drunk we all had to walk on eggshells to make sure he didn’t get upset about anything. We had to be on our best behavior.

Finally after 18 years of marriage, Mom worked up the nerve to leave him. It wasn’t easy for her because she did love dad so very much, but she knew it was too late to repair the damage that had been done. You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. Dad was a raging alcoholic and there was no changing that. We hated the person he had become however, we loved him unconditionally. It was time to move on.

To Be Continued…

Beast Of Burden

I’ve had a hard time lately thinking of what I want to blog about. Don’t get me wrong, I have a hundred ideas of what to write however, this being a fairly new blog, I really didn’t want to just come in swinging. I suppose I’d rather let the beat build a little bit, then drop the bass. It finally hit me when I was showing a friend of mine my blog and they said to me, “So, why are you ‘Carefully Callie’?”

If any single one of you knew me, you would know that I’ve never been careful at all. My life has been full of wild twists and turns that I always took way too fast. Not that I have never cared about anything, because I have. I just never thought about the repercussions of the majority of my actions. I have lived a somewhat difficult 21 years and coping with things in a positive way was never one of my strong points.

I’ve always been the girl that was ready to party at any moment in time. Give me a shot of whiskey or a cold beer and I’m ready to rock. I’ve smoked cigarettes since I was 14 years old. I’ve experimented with MANY different drugs and have had more sex than you could imagine (and with more people than you would ever care to know). I also have always loved to fight. There was nothing ever more relieving than kicking someone’s ass, but only someone who deserved it. I was quite the wild child.

As I got older, my “good times” started looking more like mistakes. ‘Carefully Callie’ is a way for me to escape the ‘Careless Callie’ that I once was. I am proud to say that I really have changed. I’m not that reckless bitch that I was before. I actually think before I speak, I consider what might happen if I do certain things. I drink on occasions, I don’t do drugs, I don’t sleep around anymore, I am married to an absolute gem of a man, and I haven’t been in a fight in years. I finally have my shit together, so now it’s time to completely release this beast that has burdened me for so long.

My next post will be the beginning of my story. The story of how I became ‘Carefully Callie’.

-xo

Versatile Blogger Award

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I’ve had three nominations for this award and I want to shout out a big thanks to these beautiful bloggers: Mélange Of Musings, The Healthy Secret Identity, and Bittersweet Sensations. I also want to apologize for my delayed response to these nominations, I have finally gotten somewhat settled into my new place so I should be blogging more often now.

Rules:

-Show the award logo on your blog.

-Give thanks to the bloggers who nominated you.

-Share 7 facts about yourself.

-Nominate 15 blogs and link those blogs to your post, let them know they’ve been nominated.

Facts Only:

  1.  I am an avid cigarette smoker. Sadly, I’ve smoked one pack or more a day since I was about 14 years old. I will quit one day.
  2. I am a sailor in the US Navy, which isn’t as cool as you would like to think. I mean, it has its perks like getting to see things that most people will never see in their lifetime but, you always have people that out-rank you and getting your ass chewed by a chief is NEVER fun.
  3. I have three families: my blood in Alabama, my in-laws in Chicago, and my military family here in Virginia.
  4. I have a lack of cartilage in my nose but you can’t tell unless I squish it between my fingers.
  5. I have two tattoos, I want a lot more.
  6. I have a horrible potty mouth. I curse every other breath.
  7. I have serious daddy issues and I’m working on that.

Nominees:

My Fashion Poetry, Itchy Quill, & Scalar Chronicles.

Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award

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Thank you!!!!
Bittersweet Sensations nominated me for this award and I’m ever so flattered. She is an awesome blogger herself so if you’ve not read her work yet, you definitely should.
I haven’t been very active on my blog lately because my husband and I are finally moving into our own apartment, which is such a relief. Every newlywed couple should have their own place to call home, to be alone. Privacy is imperative. So in the process of lease signing, furniture shopping/purchasing/financing, and my full time military career, I have been thinking about what I’m going to write so that when I’m finally settled in my place I can write myself into a poetic coma!

Q&A:

1. Who was your first crush and what did you like about that person?
– My first true crush was a boy named Sawyer. His last name I will conceal for his own privacy. I liked him because he was a tall, gorgeous, country boy, we had the exact same sense of humor and he had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen on a man (until I met my husband, he takes the cake).

2. What is something about you that you’re most proud of?
– I am most definitely proud of my southern heritage. Being from Alabama and being extremely southern while living in such a culturally mixed up society (the military) can be difficult. Believe it or not, some people have never heard a real southern accent. Someone once told me they thought people like myself only existed in movies… But it is something unique about myself and I’m very proud of it.

3. Where is your safe haven? Why?
– My safe haven is anywhere I can write, or listen to music. Words, even in musical form, are my only escape from reality.

4. What is your favorite genre in movies?
– My favorite movie genre would have to be horror. I’m easily scared and I love a good thriller. Not so much the gory, slasher kind of films but the ones with ghosts and demons, those really get me going.

5. If you’d trade a talent with a friend, what would it be and why?
– I would trade any talent, even writing, to be able to sing. My friend Abbi can absolutely belt some tunes and I would LOVE to have a nice singing voice like her.

6. What is your biggest insecurity?
-My biggest insecurity is how sensitive I am. It’s not hard to hurt my feelings or to make me feel a certain way, period. Every emotion I feel, it seems I feel it so much harder than everyone else around me. I think I’m too emotional, and I fear that will push others away from me.

7. Who is the person you like most in the world?
– The person I like most in the world is my older sister. She is without a doubt my best friend. She’s been through it all and I can go to her for anything and everything.

8. If you could invent anything but a time machine, what would it be and why?
– If I could invent anything, I would invent a machine that eliminates writers block.

9. Do you have a particular way of making someone feel you love them?
– To be completely honest, I don’t have certain way that I make someone feel the way I love them. Or at least I don’t think I do. But when my husband and I were just dating, I would come home and write about him and let him read it. It was much easier for me to put my feelings on paper than it was for me to just say it.

10. How do you see yourself in five years?
– In five years, I see myself writing wonderful things in a magazine, having my own home in the suburbs of Chicago and possibly raising my first child.

A Few For You:

1. What’s your favorite term of endearment? (To call or be called)
2. Who is your biggest inspiration?
3. How do you like your coffee? If you aren’t a coffee drinker, what is your favorite beverage and why?
4. What is your favorite genre of music and your favorite artist?
5. What do you do for a living?
6. What has changed about you in the last five years?
7. What’s your favorite movie? Why?
8. What’s your favorite hobby?
9. You find $100 on the floor in the grocery store, what do you do?
10. How do you keep yourself calm in stressful situations?

Nominees:
Because I don’t follow many people yet, I only have 2 nominees instead of 7. I nominate: fearlesslynat, and Losing Screws.

The Rules:
Thank the blogger who nominated you, linking back to their site.
Put the award logo on your blog.
Answer the ten questions sent to you.
Make up ten new questions for your nominees to answer.
Nominate seven blogs.

Pride

Four glasses of wine later and I’m still stewing. How can I make you see what you’re doing?
I’m so hurt but you could care less.
You won’t back down, it’s causing so much stress.

My mind is running 100 miles a minute.
This is a marriage, act like you’re in it!
Be the man I know you are
Not a “hard ass” because it won’t get you far.

You know you were wrong!
Why won’t you just mend it??
This is ridiculous..
Can we please just end it?

Pride is sinful.
And I don’t recommend it.

For You.

Dream reader,
Where ever you are, whomever you are, I hope that one day you find this and know with all of your heart that it was written solely for you.
I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but I can feel you. You live inside of my mind. You live in a cozy two bedroom apartment located in a city that is much bigger than you are accustomed to. You feel stifled by the busy traffic and concrete structures that surround you. After work, you come home and build a pillowy nest on the couch. You pick up your notebook and begin writing; that is, after all, your only true escape, your only way to travel back to that home you once knew. It’s the only place that is wide open, no boundaries, just space. It’s beautiful fields with wild flowers as far as the eye can see. It’s your sanctuary, your own piece of heaven.
You want someone to read what you’ve written but it terrifies you to open up and let someone see that part of you. That sensitive, artistic part of your mind. You’ve spent far too much time building this tough, hardened image of yourself to just let it crumble. Letting someone see a softer side of you will make you look weak.
However, you do have one person who always reads your work. You trust them not to use your work against you. In fact, that person is the inspiration for a lot of your writing. They have inspired you so much that you’ve decided to start a blog. It excites you more than anything to think of others reading your art and possibly enjoying it! All you have to do is stick with it… Keep writing your heart out and don’t give up. This is what makes you who you are.
Dearest Dream Reader, if you’ve read this post, I ask that you comment on it. Critique it. And let me know how I can better my writing to become a more successful blogger. Because I’m writing everyday just for you. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but I know you’re out there… I can feel you.

-Carefully Callie

New Year, New Blogger

With this being the first entry of my first blog ever, I guess an introduction would be a good start.

My name is Callie Shedd, I’m 21 years old, born and raised in north Alabama, I’m currently serving active duty in the U.S. Navy, recently married, and writing has been something I have loved to do for as long as I can remember. I never pursued it, however, I would write for awhile, a few weeks maybe, and then put it away. Lately, it has been calling to me. It’s constantly on my mind, “you should write about that.” I suppose this is what I need for this New Year. A brand new passion. I think that everyone should have that in their life. Passion. For something or someone or some place. I’ve spent the entirety of my life searching for what I wanted to do with the rest of it, and I believe writing beautiful words is exactly what I have been looking for.

All I want out of this blog is for someone, somewhere to read my work and maybe take something from it. I want to inspire someone, or help someone through a tough time. I look forward to progressing as a blogger, and I will appreciate all comments and critiques that I recieve from readers. That’s all for now.